1 00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:00,400 3 00:00:45,439 --> 00:00:49,000 All day long you mutter to yourself, gibber, dribble, moan 4 00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:53,000 and bat your head against the wall, yelling: "I want to die!" 5 00:00:54,159 --> 00:00:57,000 Now you may say I'm leaping to conclusions, but... 6 00:00:58,119 --> 00:01:02,000 ..you're not completely happy, are you? 7 00:01:02,799 --> 00:01:04,000 - It's mother, isn't it? - No, it's not. 8 00:01:05,159 --> 00:01:06,000 You're brooding over her death. 9 00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:12,000 Kate, for the final time, your mother is not dead. She's run off with Uncle Henry. 10 00:01:12,799 --> 00:01:16,000 Dear Father, I know you only say such things to comfort me. 11 00:01:16,599 --> 00:01:20,000 Your mother is alive and well and living in Droitwich. 12 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:22,000 It is not her I brood over. 13 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:27,000 I'm sad because, my darling, our poverty has now reached such extremes 14 00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:29,000 that I can no longer afford to keep us. 15 00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:36,000 I must look to my own dear tiny darling to sustain me in my frail dotage. 16 00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:39,000 - But Father, surely... - Yes, Kate. 17 00:01:39,959 --> 00:01:43,000 I want you to become a prostitute. 18 00:01:43,799 --> 00:01:46,000 - Father! - Do you defy me? 19 00:01:46,359 --> 00:01:51,000 But indeed, I do. For it's better to die poor than to live in shame and ignominy. 20 00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:55,000 - No, it isn't. - I'm young and strong and clever. 21 00:01:55,719 --> 00:01:59,000 My nose is pretty. I shall find another way to earn us a living. 22 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:03,000 Oh, please, go on the game. 23 00:02:03,359 --> 00:02:08,000 It is a steady job and you'd be working from home. 24 00:02:09,199 --> 00:02:10,000 Goodbye, Father. 25 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:16,000 I shall go to London, disguise myself as a boy and seek my fortune! 26 00:02:17,199 --> 00:02:23,000 Why go all the way to London when you can make a fortune lying on your back? 27 00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:29,000 - Very good shot, my Lord. - Thank you, Baldrick. 28 00:02:29,719 --> 00:02:35,000 - Sorry I'm late. - I'm sorry you're alive. 29 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:39,000 Good, I see the target is ready. 30 00:02:40,390 --> 00:02:44,000 I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past me. 31 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:47,000 Go to Spain. There are millions of them. 32 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:51,000 I'll advise them to stay there then. Keep their hands off our women. 33 00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:57,000 - Who is she this time? - I don't know what you mean. 34 00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:03,000 - And who is Jane? - I'm sworn to secrecy. 35 00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:07,000 Torture me, kill me, you shall never know. 36 00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:11,000 Jane Herrington. We're very much in love, my Lord. 37 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:14,000 - This is the Jane Herrington? - Yes. 38 00:03:14,879 --> 00:03:19,000 Jane "burry me in a Y-shaped coffin" Herrington? 39 00:03:21,759 --> 00:03:24,000 I think maybe there are two Jane Herringtons. 40 00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:28,000 - No... Tall, blonde, elegant? - That's right. 41 00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:31,000 Goes like a privy door when the plague is in town? 42 00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:37,000 Get on with your shot. You'll get over her. 43 00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:41,000 I did. 44 00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:51,000 So did Baldrick actually. 45 00:03:51,599 --> 00:03:53,000 Damn! 46 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:56,000 She's got this thing about beards. 47 00:03:56,240 --> 00:04:00,000 Well, in that case I'm going to shave! 48 00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:08,000 Bad luck, Balders. 49 00:04:08,319 --> 00:04:12,000 Not to worry, my Lord, the arrow didn't in fact enter my body. 50 00:04:12,479 --> 00:04:18,000 No, by a thousand to one chance my willy got in the way. 51 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,000 - Extraordinary. - I only just put it there. 52 00:04:21,959 --> 00:04:24,000 But now, I will leave it there forever. 53 00:04:24,959 --> 00:04:27,000 Is that so, Baldrick? It can be your lucky willy. 54 00:04:28,199 --> 00:04:32,000 Yes, my Lord. Years from now I'll show it to my grandchildren. 55 00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:36,000 I think that grandchildren may now be out of the question. 56 00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:41,000 Poor old pea-brain. Ha! Never catch me falling in love, that's for damned sure. 57 00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:45,000 (KNOCKING ON THE DOOR) Come in. 58 00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:49,000 Good day to you, Lord Blackadder! 59 00:04:49,279 --> 00:04:52,000 Good day to you... 60 00:04:53,399 --> 00:04:56,000 ..boy?! What brings you here? 61 00:04:56,920 --> 00:05:01,000 I'm an honest hard-working lad, but poor, and I must support my father 62 00:05:01,519 --> 00:05:05,000 who is stark raving mad. Therefore, I come to London to seek a servant's wage. 63 00:05:05,879 --> 00:05:08,000 Unfortunately I already have a servant. 64 00:05:08,959 --> 00:05:14,000 The word is that your servant is the worst servant in London. 65 00:05:14,560 --> 00:05:19,000 That's true. Baldrick, you're fired. Be out of the house in ten minutes. 66 00:05:19,439 --> 00:05:22,000 Young man, you've got yourself a job. What do they call you? 67 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:26,000 - Kate. - Isn't that a bit of a girl's name? 68 00:05:26,839 --> 00:05:29,000 Oh... it's... short for... 69 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:32,000 ..Bob. 70 00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:34,000 - Bob?! - Yes. 71 00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:40,000 Well, Bob, welcome on board. 72 00:05:40,639 --> 00:05:44,000 Sorry, Baldrick, any reason you're still here? 73 00:05:44,439 --> 00:05:46,000 I've got nowhere to go, my Lord. 74 00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:50,000 Surely you'll be allowed to starve to death in one of the royal parks. 75 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:53,000 I've been in your service since I was two and a half. 76 00:05:53,399 --> 00:05:56,000 That's why I'm so utterly sick of the sight of you. 77 00:05:56,920 --> 00:06:00,000 Couldn't I just stay here and do the same job but for no wages? 78 00:06:00,759 --> 00:06:04,000 - You know where you'll have to live. - In the gutter. 79 00:06:04,639 --> 00:06:07,000 And you'll have to work a bit harder too. 80 00:06:07,839 --> 00:06:10,000 Go and get Bob's stuff in and chuck your filthy muck out. 81 00:06:11,199 --> 00:06:15,000 God bless you, sweet master. 82 00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:20,000 Bob, this is Percy, a dimwit I don't seem to be able to shake off. 83 00:06:20,879 --> 00:06:24,000 Hello there, Bob, you young roister-doister, you. 84 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:31,000 You look a likely sort of lad for tricks and sports and jolly, rosy, cheap capering. 85 00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:36,000 Of course you do, and more besides, I warrant thee, young scamp. 86 00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:39,000 Thank you so much for letting me stay, Lord Blackadder. 87 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:44,000 I'm looking forward to having you... Having another man about the house 88 00:06:44,639 --> 00:06:47,000 instead of that animal Baldrick. 89 00:06:47,959 --> 00:06:50,000 Excuse me, I must go to the lavatory. 90 00:06:50,879 --> 00:06:55,000 How little he knows and how much I would have him know. 91 00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:58,000 I say, Bob, I think this calls for a celebration. 92 00:06:59,790 --> 00:07:03,000 How about a game of cup and ball and a slap-up tea at Mrs Miggins pie shop? 93 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:07,000 Get lost, creep! 94 00:07:07,279 --> 00:07:13,000 I like you, young Bob. You've got balls. 95 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:23,000 Nice try, Melchie, but it's no use. I'm still bored. 96 00:07:23,959 --> 00:07:29,000 Your royal father used to be very amused by my impersonation of Columbus. 97 00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:33,000 Doesn't surprise me. He used to laugh at... 98 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,000 Those people with the funny faces and the bells... ? 99 00:07:37,199 --> 00:07:39,000 - Jesters, Ma'am? - No. 100 00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:42,000 Lepers. 101 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,000 Where is Edmund these days? 102 00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:48,000 The whisper on the underground grapevine is 103 00:07:48,839 --> 00:07:54,000 that Lord Blackadder is spending all his time with a young boy in his service. 104 00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:58,000 Do you think he'd spend more time with me if I was a boy? 105 00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:02,000 You almost were a boy, my little cherry-pip. 106 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:07,000 Out you popped and everyone's shouting: "It's a boy, it's a boy!" 107 00:08:08,199 --> 00:08:11,000 And somebody said: "But it hasn't got a winkle!" 108 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:19,000 And I said: "God be praised, it's a miracle. A boy without a winkle!" 109 00:08:19,959 --> 00:08:24,000 And then Sir Thomas More pointed out that a boy without a winkle is a girl. 110 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,000 Everyone was really disappointed. 111 00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:30,000 He was a very perceptive man Sir Thomas More. 112 00:08:30,759 --> 00:08:33,000 What has happened to Edmund? 113 00:08:33,639 --> 00:08:39,000 There's something odd about someone who spends all their time with a servant. 114 00:09:29,399 --> 00:09:32,000 Well, Bob. We're a couple of fine lads, aren't we? 115 00:09:32,759 --> 00:09:36,000 Let's get ratted and talk about girls, eh? 116 00:09:36,559 --> 00:09:40,000 Yes, we could sing some really dirty songs and... 117 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:44,000 Oh God, I find you curiously pleasant company, young Bob. 118 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:50,000 I'm honoured and for my part want nothing more than to be with you, old man. 119 00:09:50,279 --> 00:09:58,000 Well, there's nothing more healthy and normal than having a good chum. 120 00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:03,000 - What think you, my Lord, of love? - You mean rumpy pumpy? 121 00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:08,000 What would you say, my Lord, if I were to say: "I love you." 122 00:10:08,879 --> 00:10:14,000 Um, well of course it depends entirely on whom you said it to. 123 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:18,000 If you said it to a horse I would presume you were sick. 124 00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:22,000 If you said it to Baldrick I would presume you were blind. 125 00:10:22,679 --> 00:10:25,000 - If you said it to me, well... - Yes, my Lord? 126 00:10:25,879 --> 00:10:29,000 Well, I'd assume we were having a big lad's joke about back-tickle, 127 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:34,000 as the way we healthy fellows often do, and I'd grab you for a friendly wrestle 128 00:10:34,879 --> 00:10:39,000 and then we'd probably slap each other's sides like jolly good chums 129 00:10:39,279 --> 00:10:45,000 and laugh at what it would be like if we really did... fancy each other. 130 00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:50,000 In that case, my Lord... I love you! 131 00:11:04,799 --> 00:11:07,000 Don't worry, Bob, he used to try to kill me too. 132 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:11,000 Baldrick, mighty glad to see you. What do you want? 133 00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:15,000 I was wondering if I might sleep on the roof. The town bailiff says 134 00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:19,000 if I lie in the gutter I'll be flushed into the Thames with the other turds. 135 00:11:19,759 --> 00:11:25,000 Yes, certainly Baldrick. Help yourself. I was just off to bed anyway. 136 00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:28,000 Good night, Baldrick. 137 00:11:28,799 --> 00:11:31,000 Good night, Bob. 138 00:11:31,639 --> 00:11:33,000 Good night, my Lord. 139 00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:39,000 Yes. Oh God... 140 00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:45,000 - What seems to be the trouble? - It's my man servant. 141 00:11:46,159 --> 00:11:50,000 I see. Well, don't be embarrassed. If you've got the pox 142 00:11:50,279 --> 00:11:54,000 just pop your man servant on the table and we'll take a look at him. 143 00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:58,000 No, I mean, it's my real man servant. 144 00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:04,000 - And what's wrong with him? - Nothing, that's the problem. He's perfect. 145 00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:08,000 And last night I almost kissed him. 146 00:12:08,559 --> 00:12:13,000 I see. So you've started fancying boys then, have you? 147 00:12:13,279 --> 00:12:16,000 - Not boys. A boy. - Well, let's not split hairs. 148 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:19,000 It's all rather disgusting and naturally you're worried. 149 00:12:20,159 --> 00:12:24,000 It isn't every day a man wakes up to discover he's a screaming bender 150 00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:29,000 with no more right to live on God's clean earth than a weasel. Ashamed of yourself? 151 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:33,000 - Not really, no. - Bloody hell. I would be. 152 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:38,000 But why should I complain? Just leaves more rampant totty for us real men. 153 00:12:38,759 --> 00:12:41,000 Am I paying for this personal abuse or is it extra? 154 00:12:41,679 --> 00:12:45,000 All part of the service. I think you're in luck though. 155 00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:50,000 An extraordinary new cure has just been developed for this kind of sordid problem. 156 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:55,000 - Has it got anything to do with leeches? - I had no idea you were a medical man. 157 00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:58,000 You try to cure everything with leeches. 158 00:12:58,919 --> 00:13:02,000 A leech on my ear for earache, a leech on my bottom for constipation. 159 00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:07,000 - They're marvellous, aren't they? - Not the bottom one. I squashed it. 160 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,000 The leech comes to us on the highest authority. 161 00:13:10,519 --> 00:13:14,000 - I know. Dr Hoffmann of Stuttgart. - That's right, the great Hoffmann. 162 00:13:14,799 --> 00:13:18,000 Owner of the largest leech farm in Europe. 163 00:13:18,639 --> 00:13:21,000 Well, I cannot spend all day gossiping. 164 00:13:21,679 --> 00:13:25,000 As far as this case is concerned I have now had time to think it over 165 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:31,000 and I can strongly recommend a course of leeches. 166 00:13:31,679 --> 00:13:35,000 Yes, pop a couple down my codpiece before I go to bed. 167 00:13:35,279 --> 00:13:39,000 No, don't be ridiculous. This isn't the Dark Ages. 168 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:43,000 Just pop four in your mouth in the morning and let them dissolve slowly. 169 00:13:43,759 --> 00:13:48,000 In a couple of weeks you 'll be beating your servant with a stick like the rest of us. 170 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:54,000 - You're just an old quack, aren't you? - I'd rather be a quack, than a duckie. 171 00:13:55,559 --> 00:14:01,000 Anything to follow, my Lord? There's this lovely fat spider I found in the bath. 172 00:14:01,639 --> 00:14:04,000 - I was saving it for myself... - Shut up, Baldrick. 173 00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:09,000 I don't eat invertebrates for fun, you know. This is doctor's orders. 174 00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:14,000 Oh, I don't hold with this new doctoring. Any problems, I go to the wise woman. 175 00:14:15,159 --> 00:14:18,000 I am long past on trusting myself to some deranged druid 176 00:14:18,799 --> 00:14:24,000 who gives her professional address as 1 Dunghill Mansions, Putney. 177 00:14:30,559 --> 00:14:35,000 - Tell me, young crone, is this Putney? - That it be, that it be. 178 00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:40,000 "Yes it is". Not "that it be". 179 00:14:40,519 --> 00:14:45,000 You don't have to talk in that stupid voice to me. I'm not a tourist. 180 00:14:45,919 --> 00:14:52,000 - I seek information about a wise woman. - The wise woman. The wise woman. 181 00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:54,000 Yes, the wise woman. 182 00:14:54,399 --> 00:14:59,000 Two things, my Lord, must thee know of the wise woman. 183 00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:02,000 First, she is... 184 00:15:02,559 --> 00:15:05,000 ..a woman! 185 00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:08,000 And second, she is... 186 00:15:08,879 --> 00:15:10,000 ..wise? 187 00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:15,000 - You do know her, then? - No, just a wild stab in the dark. 188 00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:21,000 Which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful. 189 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:24,000 - Do you know where she lives? - Of course. 190 00:15:25,159 --> 00:15:27,000 - Where? - Here. Do you have an appointment? 191 00:15:27,879 --> 00:15:29,000 No. 192 00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:31,000 Well, you can go in anyway. 193 00:15:32,390 --> 00:15:38,000 Thank you. Here's a purse of moneys which I'm not going to give to you. 194 00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:49,000 - Hail Edmund, Lord of Adders Black. - Hello. 195 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:54,000 Step no nearer, for already I see thy bloody purpose. 196 00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:58,000 Thou plot is, Blackadder, thou wouldst be king 197 00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:03,000 and drown Middlesex in a butt of wine. 198 00:16:03,879 --> 00:16:07,000 (LAUGHS DEMONICALLY) 199 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:12,000 No, it's far worse than that. I'm in love with my man servant. 200 00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:17,000 - Oh well, I'd sleep with him if I were you. - What? 201 00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:23,000 When I fancy people, I sleep with them. I have to drug them first of course. 202 00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:27,000 Being so old and warty. 203 00:16:27,279 --> 00:16:31,000 But what about my position, my social life? 204 00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:38,000 Three other paths are open to you. Three cunning plans to cure thy ailment. 205 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:41,000 - Oh good. - The first is simple. 206 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,000 - Kill Bob! - Never. 207 00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:46,000 Then try the second. Kill yourself! 208 00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:48,000 And the third? 209 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:53,000 The third is to ensure that no one else ever knows. 210 00:16:54,390 --> 00:16:59,000 - That sounds more like it. How? - Kill everybody in the whole world. 211 00:16:59,399 --> 00:17:02,000 (LAUGHS DEMONICALLY) 212 00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:12,000 I've got something important to say to you and I want you to listen very carefully. 213 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:17,000 Look, Bob. I've decided that you are to leave my service. 214 00:17:17,839 --> 00:17:24,000 Oh no, my Lord! My father will starve and I'll have to become a male prostitute. 215 00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:28,000 - I thought we were friends. - We are friends, Bob. 216 00:17:28,279 --> 00:17:34,000 Of course, of course, of course... 217 00:17:35,390 --> 00:17:39,000 In fact that's the reason I want you to leave my service 218 00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:43,000 and become my live-in chum. 219 00:17:43,759 --> 00:17:45,000 Oh, my Lord! 220 00:17:45,319 --> 00:17:50,000 I want to make clear that I am in no way interested in the contents of your tights. 221 00:17:50,839 --> 00:17:55,000 You might be, my Lord, if you knew what I kept in them. 222 00:17:55,359 --> 00:17:59,000 I've learned of myself what a gentleman keeps in his tights, thank you. 223 00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:03,000 - But my Lord, I have a great secret. - What? 224 00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:07,000 Prepare to be amazed. 225 00:18:08,390 --> 00:18:12,000 You haven't got one of these birthmarks shaped like a banana, have you? 226 00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:17,000 - No. - Or a tattoo saying "Get it here"? 227 00:18:17,359 --> 00:18:18,000 - No. - Oh God. 228 00:18:19,119 --> 00:18:22,000 You've got one of those belly buttons that sticks outward. 229 00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:26,000 - No, my Lord. - What can it possbly be? 230 00:18:27,759 --> 00:18:33,000 Aah... Good Lord! 231 00:18:34,839 --> 00:18:37,000 What was that Bob's stuff about? 232 00:18:37,359 --> 00:18:41,000 You would have just used me like you have so many women before. 233 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:44,000 - Would I? - Yes. 234 00:18:44,559 --> 00:18:48,000 Now you had a chance to love me for what I really am. 235 00:18:48,279 --> 00:18:54,000 Yes, that's true and now I want to marry you, Bob. 236 00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:59,000 - Kate. - Then come, kiss me, Kate! 237 00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:06,000 I bring grave intelligence of your former favourite Lord Blackadder. 238 00:19:06,319 --> 00:19:11,000 He wishes to marry a girl called Bob. 239 00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:14,000 That's a very odd name for a girl, isn't it? 240 00:19:14,839 --> 00:19:18,000 Girls are normally called Elizabeth or Mary. 241 00:19:18,359 --> 00:19:22,000 - And Donald... - Mouth is open Nursie, should be shut. 242 00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:26,000 I had three sisters called Donald, Eric and Basil. 243 00:19:26,519 --> 00:19:30,000 - Then why is your name Nursie? - That ain't my real name. 244 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:36,000 - What is your real name then? - Bernard. 245 00:19:36,799 --> 00:19:38,000 Suits you, actually. 246 00:19:38,759 --> 00:19:41,000 - Hello, stranger. - I seek your permission to wed. 247 00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:45,000 So I hear. Melchie, what do you think of all this? 248 00:19:46,119 --> 00:19:51,000 I'm astonished that Blackadder has eyes for any other woman than yourself. 249 00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:55,000 Good point. Though slightly grovely. 250 00:19:55,240 --> 00:20:00,000 When I fell in love I didn't know she was a woman. I thought she was a boy. 251 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:04,000 That makes it perfectly acceptable. 252 00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:09,000 - Oh all right, go on and marry her. - Thank you, Ma'am. 253 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,000 Just tell me one thing. 254 00:20:13,790 --> 00:20:15,000 Is her nose as pretty as mine? 255 00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:19,000 Oh, no, no, no, Ma'am. 256 00:20:19,519 --> 00:20:23,000 Oh good, because otherwise I would have cut it off. 257 00:20:24,790 --> 00:20:29,000 And to marry someone without a nose wouldn't be very nice, would it? 258 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,000 No, Ma'am. 259 00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:37,000 Imagine the mess when she's got a cold! Yuck! 260 00:20:38,839 --> 00:20:40,000 Well quite, Ma'am. 261 00:20:40,519 --> 00:20:45,000 All right, off you go then. 262 00:20:47,119 --> 00:20:49,000 Everyone seems to get married except me. 263 00:20:49,839 --> 00:20:53,000 - And me, Ma'am. - Oh shut up, Bernard. 264 00:20:53,839 --> 00:20:58,000 You'll make a lovely bridesmaid, Baldrick. 265 00:20:59,390 --> 00:21:04,000 Pity me that I have no girl chums. We were so poor we couldn't afford friends. 266 00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:08,000 It's in keeping with our courtship that your maid of honour should be a man. 267 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,000 Thank you, my Lord. 268 00:21:10,519 --> 00:21:13,000 I use the word man in as broad as possible a sense. 269 00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:17,000 We all know God made man in his own image. 270 00:21:17,319 --> 00:21:22,000 It would be a sad lookout for Christians if God looked anything like you, Baldrick. 271 00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:25,000 Ignore old Mister Grumpy. 272 00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:29,000 There you are, Balders. 273 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:33,000 You look as sweet as a little pie. 274 00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:37,000 Kate, he looks like what he is: a dung ball in a dress. 275 00:21:37,839 --> 00:21:41,000 Edmund... 276 00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:45,000 Hello there... 277 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:49,000 Edmund, you didn't tell me we were expecting guests. 278 00:21:49,839 --> 00:21:52,000 And such a pretty one too. 279 00:21:52,759 --> 00:21:55,000 Oh God... 280 00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:59,000 Now you're a little cutie to be hiding yourself away all these years. 281 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:05,000 - Tell me, gorgeous, what's your name? - He's called Baldrick. 282 00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:11,000 Baldrick. That's a pretty name. 283 00:22:11,359 --> 00:22:15,000 Edmund used to have a servant called Baldrick. 284 00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:18,000 But anyway, away with such small talk. 285 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:23,000 - Lady... a kiss. - What? 286 00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:28,000 And so modest too. Come on, you little tease. You know you want to. 287 00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:33,000 - Give us a kiss. - Alright, if you say so. 288 00:22:49,759 --> 00:22:53,000 What an original perfume. 289 00:22:55,119 --> 00:23:00,000 That is our Baldrick. He's wearing a dress. 290 00:23:03,390 --> 00:23:08,000 - Anyway, what do you want? - Well, Edmund. 291 00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:13,000 There's been discussion on the subject of who's going to be your best man. 292 00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:18,000 And I thought it might be the moment to bring the subject to a conclusion. 293 00:23:19,790 --> 00:23:22,000 - Yes, Percy. I would like you... - I'm so proud! 294 00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:26,000 Please, let me finish. I would like you to take this letter to Dover 295 00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:31,000 where is recently docked the galleon of my old school friend Lord Flashheart. 296 00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:35,000 - He shall be my best man. - Lord Flashheart? 297 00:23:36,119 --> 00:23:40,000 The best sword, the best shot, the best sailor 298 00:23:40,279 --> 00:23:43,000 and the best kisser in the kingdom. 299 00:23:43,319 --> 00:23:47,000 - To Dover at once. - Yes. 300 00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:52,000 Actually I was going to suggest Lord Flashheart as the best man myself. 301 00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:57,000 Were you? 302 00:23:59,759 --> 00:24:03,000 (CRIES LOUDLY) 303 00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:06,000 (WEDDING BELLS) 304 00:24:06,279 --> 00:24:08,000 Edmund, I cannot believe it's really happening. 305 00:24:08,519 --> 00:24:13,000 - It is, my sweet. - I want you to meet my father. 306 00:24:13,559 --> 00:24:16,000 Oh fine. 307 00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:26,000 Excuse me, could you move along, please. 308 00:24:27,559 --> 00:24:29,000 I'm waiting for my father-in-law. 309 00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:33,000 Last thing I want is some old beggar blocking the door, smelling of cabbage. 310 00:24:33,799 --> 00:24:37,000 I am your father-in-law. 311 00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:42,000 Oh no... All right, how much do you want to clear off? 312 00:24:42,359 --> 00:24:45,000 Edmund, how could you? He's my father, my only living relative. 313 00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:50,000 - Ten pounds should do the trick. - Father! 314 00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:52,000 Edmund, you mustn't! 315 00:24:52,759 --> 00:24:58,000 I'll get Baldrick to beat him up after the ceremony. We'll get the money back. 316 00:25:00,790 --> 00:25:02,000 Edmund, could we get on, do you think? 317 00:25:03,390 --> 00:25:07,000 I want to get to the reception so I can get squiffy and seduce someone. 318 00:25:07,319 --> 00:25:09,000 Unfortunately, my best man has not arrived. 319 00:25:10,390 --> 00:25:16,000 - Get another one. - There's no one else I can really think of. 320 00:25:17,319 --> 00:25:22,000 - Sorry, Percy? - Nothing, my Lord, just clearing my throat. 321 00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:26,000 Don't. I don't want you coughing all the way through the ceremony. 322 00:25:26,839 --> 00:25:31,000 Come on, Edmund. You must be able to think of another best man. 323 00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:35,000 - Well, I suppose I could ask Percy. - My lord! 324 00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:40,000 Can you think of another best man? 325 00:25:40,559 --> 00:25:43,000 Well, my Lord, one name does spring to mind. 326 00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:46,000 Yes, but I can't ask Baldrick. He's a bridesmaid. 327 00:25:46,839 --> 00:25:53,000 Besides, I need a friend, an equal, an old and trusty companion. 328 00:25:53,359 --> 00:25:56,000 I think there is one person in the room who fits the description. 329 00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:58,000 Of course... 330 00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:02,000 Nursie! How do you fancy putting on a pair of hose and being my best man? 331 00:26:02,839 --> 00:26:06,000 Don't be so naughty. You know perfectly well whom Percy is referring to. 332 00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:09,000 I'm sorry. Melchett! 333 00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:13,000 Ashamed as I am and contradiction in terms though it is... 334 00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:17,000 - Percy, you can be the best man. - Oh, my Lord! 335 00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:22,000 Noble cause, what an honour. I brought along a ring, just... 336 00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:27,000 I really did think old Flash would have turned up. 337 00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:33,000 - It's me! - Flash! 338 00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:36,000 Flash by name, Flash by nature. 339 00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:39,000 - Hurrah! - Hurrah! 340 00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:44,000 - Where have you been? - Where haven't I been! 341 00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:48,000 I'm here now. 342 00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:52,000 - Who is that? - I don't know, but he's in your place. 343 00:26:52,279 --> 00:26:57,000 Not for long. Hold that. 344 00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:05,000 Thanks, bridesmaid, like the beard. 345 00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:10,000 Gives me something to hang on to. 346 00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:15,000 So me old mate Eddie is getting hitched, hey? 347 00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:21,000 What's the matter? Can't stand the pace of the in-crowd? 348 00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:25,000 Hey, Queenie. You look sexy. 349 00:27:25,519 --> 00:27:28,000 Listen, wear your hair long. I prefer it that way. 350 00:27:29,200 --> 00:27:31,000 I've got such a crush on him. 351 00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:34,000 And Melchie! 352 00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:38,000 Still worshipping God? 353 00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:43,000 Last thing I heard he started worshipping me ! 354 00:27:45,559 --> 00:27:50,000 Nursie, I like it firm and fruity. 355 00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:55,000 Am I pleased to see you or did I just put a canoe in my pocket? 356 00:27:55,279 --> 00:27:59,000 Down boy, down! 357 00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:06,000 And now, where is this amazing bird? 358 00:28:06,279 --> 00:28:11,000 The one who stopped my old pal Eddie doing exactly whatever he wants. 359 00:28:12,390 --> 00:28:20,000 Ah yes, Flash, let me introduce my... fiancee Kate. 360 00:28:33,640 --> 00:28:39,000 She's got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a man's tonsils. 361 00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:42,000 You don't want to marry this jerk, baby. Meet me on my horse in eight seconds. 362 00:28:43,790 --> 00:28:47,000 But I can't run in this frock. I've found I actually prefer wearing boy's clothes. 363 00:28:47,559 --> 00:28:51,000 Weird. I always feel more comfy in a dress. 364 00:28:51,400 --> 00:28:55,000 I've got a plan and it's as hot as my pants. 365 00:28:55,960 --> 00:29:00,000 What a man Flash is, eh? Things will liven around here, now he's back. 366 00:29:00,720 --> 00:29:02,000 Won't they, Flash? 367 00:29:03,160 --> 00:29:07,000 So long, suckers! Next time you get bored, give me a call and I'll come and kill you. 368 00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:11,000 - Bye, Edmund, and thanks for everything! - Hurrah! 369 00:29:13,599 --> 00:29:18,000 It is customary on these occasions for the groom to marry the bridesmaid. 370 00:29:18,640 --> 00:29:21,000 I presume you intend to honour this. 371 00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:24,000 I do. 372 00:29:25,790 --> 00:29:32,000 From now he always shall be single 373 00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:38,000 Especially boys without a tingle 374 00:29:39,790 --> 00:29:45,000 His taste is rather odd 375 00:29:46,390 --> 00:29:52,000 A randy little sod 376 00:29:53,790 --> 00:29:59,000 I wish you were the star 377 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:08,000 You're sexier by far